Thursday, October 27, 2011

Coming To Terms With The Person Inside.

It's funny how lessons come across in our lives. Some subtle & some will smack you in the face. But no matter what, it will keep trying to present the answer to you until it finally clicks. These lessons we learn have patience. Because deep down these lessons know that you will learn from them. I myself just got smacked. But the great thing about it is that it felt good after figuring out what it is the lesson was trying to get across-ed. I'm about to open up to the world and be myself because accepting yourself for who you are and what you do is one of the best things you'll ever learn. 

I'm Asian, 
I am a attention seeker (but it doesn't have to be a bad thing), 
I am a sucker for romance,
I was never a big chocolate fan,
My Favorite color is blue,
I love to cuddle whether it be with boy/girl/ or even dog,
I love to talk and try to be charismatic,
I love to inspire people,
I feel the need to get everyone to love me,
I also hate being hated (something I should work on here soon),
I love to read/hear inspirational blogs, posts, people, posts,
I am LDS, and will always be strong towards the church,
I know who I am, and I know I have friends who support me.
But the real thing I was trying to get across-ed is

No I am not any different because of this label.
and am not flamboyant either. I am Cody. 
I'm slowly placing myself in this world and it feels better then ever.
I was always sick of waiting for someone to take the plate.
I went through "HELL" trying to accept myself. 
Waiting for someone who was going through my same problems 
to stand up and just say, I know what your going through.
And to tell me...
Sadly that person never came in my life.
But I wont let some kid hurt themselves nor go through hell waiting.
So here I am. Publicly coming out for the first time on Blogger. 
I'm shaking as if I am having a seizure.
But the great thing about that is...
I only do that when I finally accept things that I was never comfortable with. 

Friends. Family. & Anyone else reading this blog.
Thank you.   

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

No Longer in Reaching Distance...

Maybe it's just me... But it goes like this,
Going across the country with certain people build these strong bonds.
and once their we all feel connected because together
we are learning both about ourselves and others all around the world.
and not only that but they are the only close people
you can lean on when the going gets rough. 
But now that time is over. We are back to our original lifestyle. 
Those bonds we created in the other country still held strong.
However with time I was only able to keep a strong bond with one
of the sixteen people that all went to India.
Yes I still keep in touch with the sixteen, 
and some I often see every week but its not the same.
I almost feel like even though we are all here and there with each other
We still wont have that same connection like we 
had when we were there... in India... 
I feel like its the people that I went with that keeps India and us together.
Like the experience will fade off because each of us
brings back an important memory we had there.
But not till now did I notice.
I feel like a family that is falling apart. 
and even tho I try to bring us back together, 
or even just parts of us back together,
it wont happen.
I can't bare losing such friends.
Only because they are the only things I have
left of India for me to remember.
I never want to forget.
Can we go back to our old times.
I liked them.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The First Step... Agian.

The beginning. Ugh I dread coming to this page, having to type. 
You know I always have wanted a blog, something for me to just write anything down, anything I want.
Yet every time I get to this spot I have high expectations of me.
I want to write something Motivating and Inspirational. 
I want to help myself learn and help others as well. 
But yet once I hit this page the "Create New Post" page, I lose all confidence in myself.
So I decided, NO MORE! I don't care if I don't like it. 
I actually came close to deleting everything before this post.
I thought I sounded like a person who can't work a blog. 
But NO! I will keep writing no matter how silly I sound. I can only get better right? 

The Motivation
So what brought me to writing this right now? 
Well I can tell you it has nothing to do with what I just said at the beginning. 
It goes like this...
Well before I get to ahead of myself, 
I really just wanted to write out my feelings to see if it'd help.
Something about letting out of my thoughts onto paper (or this post I guess)
helps me better understand them and myself.
But anyways, I seem to lose control of my actions at times.
I guess i'm still in need of learning about the consequences in the end. 
I do a lot of things without thinking. 
Now I can't imagine how I could ever get someone angry
because that has never been my intention from the start.
But at times I seem to bother people because I let myself go to far.
So I keep pondering the question "Well, What do I do now?" 
I feel awkward when I have done someone wrong, or angered them in any way.
I actually try to keep away from that person as far as possible.
So I wrote this down hoping i'd get an answer of what I should do.
Because I feel if I confront the person, that I've done wrong, that I will only make it worse.
and if I ignore it for to long I will lose respect. 

I only hope that one day I read this and laugh, 
Laugh at how silly I was for thinking about this. 
Hopefully I can put my embarrassing thoughts of this blog to rest. 
That I will continue until I get better.
I hope I read this sometime in the future and know that I will
write a lot better then I have for this post. 
The End.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Gaps in Life

I always seem to tell myself I am ready to start being me, to bring out every aspect, views, and my personal uniqueness. I keep reading inspiring & motivating blogs telling me not to let any opinion down, to not feel judged no matter what anyone says. I really feel that I can do anything, I can be the person I want to be, yet something is holding me back. What it is I dont know. 

Maybe deep down it isn't just the right moment, Which very well could be the case. I am one to be a head of myself. However at the same time, I HATE having to hold in a part of me. I want everything out, I want everyone to know who I am, not meaning to be famous but for everyone to know this is who I am and I am happy with the person I am. 

I have plenty of friends who love me for me and do know me from the shallowest of pools to the deepest of depths. Most know me much better then myself. I love being around people where I can just be... ME. Everything just feels right. Like where I am in life is where i'm supposed to be. However not being able to fully express myself leaves me feel like I am missing something, like there is a hole that needs to be filled. 

Now I dont know what to do, or where in life I am at, but I would like to feel caught up. To feel like everything seems to be in the right place. Now I know I can't live a perfect life and in order to have everything in place would be ridiculous. Every person has a hole in their life needing to be filled. But right now that seems to be my main focus for right now. This is a hole that needs filling. But why can't I bring myself to filling it...?